Lo noto

Arely bien podría haber descubierto una nueva forma de tocar fondo. Todo se da del mismo modo.

Geneva

I went to Geneva downtown, spent "some" time reading Mafalda's comic strips in the bookstore I found last week. I went through all the books in Spanish, and after realizing choosing one book wasn't easy, I took a Salomonic decision: I'll buy them in alphabetical order. Benedetti. That's today's author. I walked along the rivershore. It was cold. It is cold. I read only a couple of lines. I thought I wasn't getting enough motivation from a French translation. But clearly that can't be the case here. And not with Benedetti. I liked La Tregua. I loved Primavera con la Esquina Rota. Anyway. I kept walking. There was some public exposition. Pictures. About poverty and wealth, seen through the lens of a child's cammera. I think that's what it was. I liked a couple of lines. I doubted the "childish" nature of some others. I spent 100 dlls today. Like that. Not sure when this happened. My careless behavior, I mean. I like Mafalda. I like Quino.

Insomnia... again

There're times when I have dreams about work. I wake up slowly, think about the problem and gently reach a solution.

There're times when I have nightmares about work. I wake up slowly, think about the problem and not quite gently realized I'm thinking nonsense.

Today it was the second. Dreaming about the tag collector is ridiculous. Dreaming about Physics Monitoring related to some kind of new clusterization is even worse. Now I can't sleep again, so I thought I could go to work early... but there must be a limit, it's 3:39am!

I know the limit: it's naturally set by the amount of natural light.. and the fact that I'm afraid of the dark

It's not very complicated,

I'm just young and overrated.

Oh God! One week and they haven't realized I'm lost... or am I?

* * *

By the way, my second stupid thing was not completed, 'cause someone made me see how stupid it was (there's a limit, even for stupid things.) But, it was nonetheless closed by an external factor. So, I won.

I believe that, the fact that I have this "right" is mainly due to the fact that I avoided doing stupid things before. Or so I was told.

Nothing

I don't think I know what life, love or death mean... So, I guess that means I can't live, love... or die.

Hm, I'm right before there. Again. Forced silence.

Should I say it louder? Should I say nothing?

At least, I should stop behaving like a stupid little girl. I urgently need to grow up. But nothing seems to change. No one seems to care. Nothing seems to matter.

[sigh]

Pardon, j'ai ecrit a un amie qui tout de suite m'a oublié

Pom pom pom boro pom pom pom
Everything I touched was golden, everything I loved was broken.

This is love calling earth, do you know how much it hurts?

I saw one transmission on the television saying I can't do my job,
well, I'll just keep dancing, forgive 'cause I'm handsome, and the beat will never stop.

And love is getting too cynical, passion's just physical these days.
If you can't wake up in the morning, 'cause your bed lies vacant at night.
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely, can't control it, try as you might.
May you find that love that won't leave you, may you find it by the end of the day
You won't be lost, hurt, tired or lonely, something beautiful will come your way

And you know and you know, 'cause my life's a mess.
And I'm trying to grow so before I'm old I'll confess.
You think that I'm strong, you're wrong, you're wrong

Take me to the place where the sunshine flows,
Oh my sunset rodeo!
Mother, things are gonna change! I'm moving to L.A.

Singing for the lonely, you're not the only one who feels this.
I don't wake up early every morning, 'cause the more I sleep, the less I have to say.

Every move you make is poetry, they all fake what you do naturally .
If not for you, I wouldn't come at all

Hello, did you miss me? I know I'm hard to resist.
Give in and love it, what's the point in hating me?
You can't argue with popularity...Well, you could, but you'd be wrong

[RW]

* * *

Oh! I didn't know how much I missed RW!

Death and taxes

Arely has decided she has the natural and unavoidable right to do 3 stupid things.

The first one only brought her unhappiness, and a sad conclusion (not necessarily correct, though.)
The second one, well... not finished yet.

What should her third one be?

Suggestions are welcome! Or are they?

Uninteresting statistics:
Received emails in one day: 66
Sent emails in one day:12

OK.. The number of received emails seems quite normal. To be honest, the number of sent emails looks rather low... and I'm not kidding...

I should check these number more frequently, so I can show some unbiased averages. Not really.

Insomnia

Still with insomnia. The warm milk trick didn't work this time. Obviously, nothing productive can be accomplished in this insomnia time. It took me 3 trials before getting to access my gmail account. I'm not even sure how safe it is to write under these conditions (why am I writing in English, to start with?)

I had a ridiculously long meeting today. Even more, I had a ridiculously long day. I spent more than a few hours fixing one "bug" on someone else's code, which was causing the whole Muon Monitoring system to crash.

To be honest, I don't mind taking extra responsibilities, AND I like fixing bugs.. it's rather exciting.. I don't even mind spending some hours on it.. except, well except when the "bug" is the simplest thing on earth, then all the excitement becomes frustration for not being able to see the problem before, and my self esteem goes down quite badly. Today, it was not so bad, even though the solution was simple, it was by no means my fault, and I still got to solve it in time, I hope. Besides, at least I'm proving myself to be capable of assuming certain responsibilities. Or so I like to believe.

Still, my ego is slightly harmed, because all my initial explanations and fixes were correct, but not sufficient to solve the (memory usage) problem. In the end, it took someone else to point out that possibly the finely binned histograms were taking up too much memory. And so it was. Still, it was me making the changes, testing the version, submitting a tag, and getting this tag collected for the latest release to be used at Tier 0. By the way, this last line should give you and idea on how "subtle" things are when it comes to software development in ATLAS.

According to him, 6 years later, and you're still having trouble with it. According to him. By the way, I was told he speaks nicely, but... What is that suppose to mean? Hm. OK. The office is right there, I can go and ask questions.... "so, how can I modify the master slide in Power Point?" that sounds like a good question... or does it?

I comes to my attention that it's raining right now. It was not raining at 10 PM when I came back from CERN (by no means I was done with the work... but decided I could go home and continue there... or here, I should say here.)

OK. I'm officially writing nonsense. I should stop.

QA

People usually need answers. I usually need answers... Right now, what I need, what I truly need, and want, is questions.

Someone might want to call them excuses.

Whatever.

Almost happiness again... but, certainly better than nothing.

5-10 min

5-10 min is all it takes to create an eternity.

Arely, walking in the clouds...
Arely, living an eternity...

5 centimeters per second (revisited)

I think I know what I'm missing... who am I?

5 centimeters per second

Gracias a la (I should say bad) influencia de Emery, he visto "algunas" (no entremos en detalles estadísticos que bien podrían impactar de manera negativa al estimado lector) películas. Quizá deba añadir: en línea. No diré más.

Pues hoy vi "5 centímetros por segundo." El título de esta película (anime) hace alusión a la velocidad con la que caen los pétalos de Sakura.

Es una serie de mini historias (3) acerca de la distancia y los sentimientos. En realidad creo que es más en lo que te hace pensar, que lo que dice. Para mí, que me he separado tantas veces, me ha dicho mucho.

No quisiera decir esto. Pero, ¿no es acaso el olvido la más natual de nuestras acciones? Bien me parece que cualquier sentimiento, si deja de ser alimentado, muere en el olvido.. tan rápido.. tan frágil.. tan humano. Lo que pareciera ser eterno... no lo es, pues de pronto llega el olvido. Siempre llega el olvido.

Todos, creo, somo de algún modo olvido.

Y supongo que eso es lo más triste. Saber que el olvido es más fuerte. Irremediable. Previsible. Como una sombra por la noche... que se esconde en la oscuridad, y todo lo toma. Todo lo borra.. y la memoria.. bueno, la memoria es su cómplice.

* * *

... y de pronto el olvido.

* * *

I think Neruda got it wrong... unless I'm missing something

* * *

Es tan corto el amor, y tan largo el olvido.

[PN]

today, it was raining,

so I decided to walk. It's not like a heavy rain, and it doesn't take me more than 15 min to bike from the hostel to CERN. nonetheless, I walked. I noticed that my right shoe gets wet, while the left one doesn't. That's under investigation. There I was, crossing the border between Switzerland and France. And so, it stroke me. As it has a couple of time before. I am in Switzerland. Which is like in... Europe. Had I dreamed or thought of it before? How did everything happen so fast, so unexpectedly? At times, I feel like I've had no control over this.. that things happened without me making decision, or choosing anything. At times. I mean, I'm in Switzerland, which is like in... Europe.

Sweet dreams are made of this

I go blind. Not a sound. Too quiet. Too quick. He had the voice of an angel. He would only talk to me. After a while, I realize it's not gonna be so easy. No questions. No questions. You fool. You damned fool! I'm speeding. That's a good way to get yourself noticed. Not now. Not right now. He's just too dumb to know it. It hurts. An explosion that blast away the dark gray years between now and then. Like a kid torturing on a fly, when it already got its wings off.

You don't know him. He always finds his way. The bad times haven't even started yet. And everything seemed to be going so well. It tells you something about your state of mind, doesn't it? The fire. It'll burn us both. There's no place in this world for that kind of fire. You know it's true. On a night like this, everybody is looking for somebody. Nobody ever quits.

Silence now. No air to breath. Let it in. Let it fill your lungs. Stay smart. Stay cool.


Please. Let me stay close. Nothing can happen to me when I'm with you. Let me stay close. It's always been you. All these years. I'm not scared. It's over. I love you.

Always... and never.

* * *

All that jazz from 'Sin City', who would have thought of it? Es como el poema de [JS], cuando tienes ganas de llorar, puedes llorar hasta con la palabra escusado. Supongo que es lo mismo. Pero ligeramente opuesto. O diferente. Algo resplandeciente. Oscuro.

More things. Mornings.

Things she needs.

Things she needs to understand.
Things she needs to talk about.
Things she needs to hide.
Things she needs to show.
Things she needs to forget.
Things she needs to forgive.
Things she needs to start.
Things she needs to know.
Things she needs to finish.
Things she needs to write.
Things she needs to read.
Things she needs to give up on.
Things she needs to trust in.
Things she needs to name.
Things she needs to decide.
Things she needs to need.
Things she needs to try.
Things she needs to face.
Things she needs to turn her back on.
Things she needs to realize.
Things she needs to deal with.
Things she needs to admit.
Things she needs to thank for.
Things she needs to ignore.
Things she needs to learn.
Things she needs to accept.
Things she needs to say out loud.
Things she needs to do.
Things she needs to free herself from.
Things she needs to feel.
Things she needs to have.
Things she needs to stop doing.
Things she needs to see.
Things she needs to wait for.
Things she needs to remember.
Things she needs to focus on.
Things she needs to fear.
Things she needs to think about.

Things she needs to dream about.
Things she dreams about.

Things she needs to be.
Things she is.

Things she doesn't need. Most things.

* * *

Things. Things. Things. It's always about something. Never about nothing.

What's the matter? Nothing. It's never nothing.

There's always some-thing.

* * *

There is that. And then, all she wants. And then, there is nothing.

Things she remembers randomly

The notebook (I just remembered there's a movie called "The Notebook", but it is totally unrelated to this post*.)

The order. I don't remember the order of the names in the notebook. I can only remember they were wrong. Except for one small detail. And all the reasons for it.

*except for the fact that she randomly remembered this movie.

* * *

Perhaps I should no longer...

The time passes so fast. So fast. For instance, I might have to decide this in a couple of weeks if the things are to be done the way I hope they will. Reading. Reading. Reading. Decision. Hopefully.

Things she hates when it rains in French

Babosas. Lots of them.

* * *

Please, notice I wrote French, rather than France. I don't even know why I did such thing, but I do realize it's important to make a comment on it.

From Japanese to French... and so on.

Please do mind the language. Or not. Better not.

* * *
Loin de toi
Hélas! je coupe les roseaux
À cette pensée
La vie sur la grève de Naniwa
Me devient toujours plus insupportable
* * *
Muero de ti, amor, de amor de ti,
de urgencia mía de mi piel de ti,
de mi alma de ti y de mi boca
y del insoportable que yo soy sin ti.
* * *

Nadie sabe lo que tiene...

Quiero mi súper departamento, de dos pisos, dos baños, tres cuartos... todo para mí solita de vuelta!!!!

Not really... or, yes really?

OK. Encerrada en el mini metro cuadrado (no me estoy quejando, solo haciendo una observación) pienso que todo tiene un límite, y después de hoy, me parece que yo he alcanzado el mío. Estoy al borde de lo patético.. y triste. Hahahahaha. Triste como en "que triiiiiste", no como en "que triste." Si se entiende, ¿no?

OK. Yo no sé si es maldita o divina la brisa que arde, pero... ¡Qué bonito se siente! Hahaha Not really. Or, yes really.

Me parece que el primer paso de recuperación es cambiar la dirección del "down there." Por cierto. Ya cambié de dirección, y estoy esperando cambiar de dirección muy pronto, porque la nueva "dirección" no está taaan chida.